A WHACKY CONVERSATION WITH THE SPIRITS
Channelling & manifesting a No. 1 bestseller
Greetings and blessings to all you wonderful readers and supporters and as ever, beaming you light, health and safety! I’d like to share a conversation I had with my ancestors this Sunday gone. I hope you enjoy it and might find something there that might be of benefit to you. So, here goes!
AN INTIMATE CONVERSATION WITH MY ANCESTORS
It's only 7am on this dull Sunday morning and already, here I am in front of my ancestors’ shrines with my usual caterwauling. It’s a good thing I live alone with a driveway that separates me from my neighbours, otherwise they would’ve been driven stir crazy by my relentless wails and prayers to my poor ancestors. Truth be told, I’m starting to feel sorry for my ancestors and wondering if they’re now regretting giving birth to this troublesome descendant that has become a right pest. But I’ve promised them that I’ll give them no rest until they grant my wishes and they know exactly what those wishes are. So now, I’m at it again, bowing my head over and over before my grandfather’s shrine as I repeat my familiar mantra. As I speak, I am careful not to get too close and burn my dreds with the lit candles blazing on his shrine.
“My awesome Grandfather Okwor, you who is the embodiment of a man’s glory (Ebubedike); our tiger that marches before us into battle (Agu eji-ejemba); he that does as he says (Ekwueme); undefeated warrior in life and in death (Dike na ndu n’owu); our fountain of wealth (Oshimiri-aku). It is I, your pathetic granddaughter, Nuzo, named after your beloved mother, Nuzo, here again to disturb your rest with my usual wishes and desires. Papa, forgive me for my greed; I am sorry that you gave life to a greedy child. My gluttonous desires are greater than the oceans and wider than the skies and one single person shouldn’t be that selfish and greedy. But I can’t help myself. So please, don’t be angry with me and deny me this wish that will truly make me happy. I know you and my mother have only just blessed me again with a story accepted by Nightmare Magazine last week and I am truly very grateful. But Grandfather Okwor, I still want more from you. I want my book, WHERE THE DEAD BRIDES GATHER to sell one million copies or become a bestseller. Yes, I repeat, I want my book, WHERE THE DEAD BRIDES GATHER to sell one million copies or become a bestseller at the very least. If for any reason you deny me this wish for this particular book, then you must grant it to my next published book, you hear? Only then will I let you rest in peace and sing songs of praises to you rather than my incessant wails of entitlement. I don’t mind if you come and tell me off in my dreams for constantly disturbing your rest. As I said, I am sorry that you produced a greedy child, but who else can I ask if not you and my mother? You two are the people whose protection gives me the confidence to raise my voice fearlessly even before a king. So, I am now exercising that power and making this greedy demand before you. Thank you, my awesome grandfather, for again listening to me and I’ll be back tomorrow to remind you again to make WHERE THE DEAD BRIDES GATHER sell one million copies and become a bestseller. I greet you, Ndewo.”
I’m done with my grandfather for now and segue over to my mother’s shrine to begin her own harassment. I am less fearful of upsetting my mum since she’s not as fearsome as my grandfather. Anyway, I recently gave her cause to be very happy with me, so I plan to extort as much goodwill from her as I can for those gifts I bequeathed her. You see, my mother recently refused to answer my questions over a very important issue a couple of weeks ago because she was miffed with me for the way I decorated her shrine. She was a fanatical Roman Catholic while she was in the earth realm and I remember that her prayer altar was always laden with every Catholic paraphernalia, from the Virgin’s statue, to her son’s crucifix, rosaries, candles, holy water and oil, prayer cards, Missals and every other religious effigy she could purchase at numerous catholic shops or churches. So, when she recently visited my dreams, she said that I had decorated her shrine in my pagan fashion, devoid of all her Catholic toys. Until I did right by her, she was going to stay mute to my requests.
And she did; she didn’t visit my dreams anymore as she usually did every night and she didn't give me answers when I did the secret paper ballots before her shrine. Her energy was off whenever I stood before her shrine and I knew I had to swallow my aversion to religion and get her the stuff she demanded. So, I went to the Lourdes’ online shop and purchased everything she liked and finally decorated her shrine the way she wanted. You can see how it now looks in the photo below, and since then, she’s been all smiles. So, you can understand why I am fearless going before her to demand my one million sales. But I also have a caveat for her.
“Mummy, mother of the community (Nne oha); River of wealth (Mmili-aku); Lawyer’s wife (Nwuye-Lọya); Beautiful mother we are proud to show off to the world (Nne eji-eje mba); it’s me your daughter, Nuzo, saying good morning and hoping you guys over there are all well and thriving—naturally. Say hello to Jojo, C.C Jnr, Daniel, Ike, Prisca, Loretta, Sabastian and everyone else. Tell them I miss them and can’t wait to see them all again, but in good time; not now. So Mummy; you already know what I’m going to ask you. I know I keep repeating myself but that’s why I’ve been given a mouth to speak with. I don’t want to waste this precious gift of speech, so I might as well exercise my tongue since I live alone and there’s nobody to chat with except you and Grandfather Okwor now that Tinkerbell is gone. I’ve already disturbed him this morning but I think he’s okay with it. So please Mummy, as I always ask you, protect my daughters and the rest of your children and grandchildren. Please, never let any harm befall my two precious daughters. Keep them safe from accidents, evil people, danger, misfortune of any kind and sickness. Bless them with very long, healthy, successful, contented and happy lives filled with laughter and love. Give them husbands and boyfriends that will treat them like goddesses and children that will treasure them like precious gems, just as I treasured you while you were with us. Don’t you worry about me because I am already fine and I can always stress my grandfather anyway. Just focus your energy on my daughters please and I will be fine. But just in case you have time, please remind my grandfather to make sure my book, WHERE THE DEAD BRIES GATHER sells a million copies or becomes a bestseller, you hear? I am greedy but I don’t want my wish to be a monkey-paw wish. So, please stress to Grandfather Okwor that the million sales must not come with any bad bargains. I will not suddenly die and become posthumously famous with a million copies sold as always happens in this selfish world. Nothing bad must ever happen to my children. I just want one million copies sold, not even two million. I’ll only ask for two million after the one million deal is sealed, and I promise to even build you two a special chapel dedicated to both of you afterwards. I’ll give you so many Virgin Mary figurines that you’ll end up begging me to stop. OK; that’s me done for now. I’ll see you later tomorrow. I’m off to sleep again since it’s a Sunday and I didn’t have a lie-in because I was here chatting with you and Grandfather Okwor. Rest now, beautiful Mummy, and I’ll see you later."
I think my mum is smiling as I leave her shrine. A quick glance at my grandfather shows me that he’s watching me with that resigned look in his eyes. They both know I’ll be back again with my greedy demands because I’m bored witless and have no boyfriend or husband to keep me busy. I know that’s what they’re thinking, being the conservative African parents that they are. But alas, I can’t help them in that area. After three engagements and two divorces, I now thoroughly enjoy my own unmarried company despite my sporadic sallying into the online dating markets. But right now, a man is the last thing I need. I just want my book WHERE THE DEAD BRIDES GATHER to sell one million copies or become a bestseller when its published by Titan Books on 22nd October 2024. I’m channelling all my energy on this singular goal and summoning the supernatural powers of my ancestors to manifest it. As the unforgettable opening line in my all-time fav film, The Godfather, goes, “I believe in America”. To borrow that immortal phrase, “I believe in my ancestors.” I know as I know that they’ll never let me down.
So, everybody reading this, please become one of the buyers, readers, and reviewers that will help my ancestors and the universe make my dreams come true. Grab your PREORDERS today. Just click the links below and make my poor grandfather and mother happy and free them from my constant harassment. Thanks again for reading my ramblings.
Please check your inbox for further updates about my journey with WHERE THE DEAD BRIDES GATHER and as promised, I’ll not spam you or bombard you beyond my monthly updates😊 As ever, beaming you all light and health. May the universe surround you all with kind people always. Till next time :)
Nuzo x
Your mum might appreciate the rosary more if it didn't cover her face.